I stepped into a lot of realms lately. The month of June has been more than I could expect and balancing school, my hobby-job as a cake decorator, personal life, and work... You're bound to go insane. All you can do is run, and keep running. There have been many times where I have kept walking, then running so far, I didn't realize how far I actually was from home until I had to go back. People start to lose themselves and feel lonely after a while when you can't figure out how to express what you feel or why you feel this way. You feel selfish that you have to think of yourself for once, but at the same time when you carry a heavy heart to nurture for others... you're too much and it becomes toxic for you as a person, and the relationship of others around you. Social media and technology can also play a role in your level of sanity.
For many years... I have carried a heavy heart. It's toxic for me to have and sometimes I think about ripping it out and throwing it to the ground, but I hold on to it. I keep it protected, hoping it never gets hurt so I can nurture those I care for the most. In the end, it is myself who hurts it. Because I care too deeply for others, I end up losing myself in the game of life and become lost and distraught. I feel like I don't do enough for others and give everything I have in my power until I have nothing left.
Recently I discovered troubled things that have caused this heavy heart to break so much. It has been the cause of FEAR. Fear of rejection, disappointment, pain (hurting others and being hurt), having my own joy, falling in love, and having my own power. It's overwhelming when you've been locked inside a bubble for so long and once you're finally free from it...[POP!] what you expected out of the world isn't what it was made to be. Almost like the movie Bubble Boy. I've learned now to be stronger about it. I've had broken hearts from attempts to fall in love or being in love, have disappointed so many people in the past and present, hurt many people and have been hurt by them, been rejected countless times, have had to have power over someone, and I've had to gain my own joy without having someone in my life. In the end, I realized that all this happens, and I'm still alive. I still have this heavy-heart notion that I want to be there for the people that are broken, I want to help those who are trapped in a shell, and I want to be my own superhero and not anyone elses. I want to show them how much I care about them and will be by there side, while they learn to love and save themselves. We all live in this idea that we need a superhero to help us feel safe, but in the end we are all going to bite the bullet at some point so live through your own bravery, not by someone else.
In news of art:
November 5, 2015 at Tower T-Shirt Factory in Fresno, CA I will have my first Art Hop showing! I'm excited to be featured in something that's outside of school and outside of my hometown!
Visit https://www.etsy.com/shop/DKerperArts TODAY to purchase some of my photography and prints of my illustrations! All prints will be hand-signed by the artist.